OF AD AND KL MARATHON 2018

Of AD/PD and KL MARATHON

(Warning on a long post)

Objective of this post is not on a review of the KL Marathon, but a recollection of the struggles 3 weeks prior, to i) as a guide to whoever have friends struggling the same, ii) as a motivator to friends who are sufferers.
This post is only visible to selected few, mostly very close friends, runner friends and MADC, as I have never been open about this except to very very very selected few. I've decided to be open today to allow people to understand the struggle this thing brings. 
If you want to go straight to the KL Marathon phase, go to THE KL MARATHON sub-chapter. 

BACKGROUND

I have an Anxiety Disorder (AD) under the category of "Cyclic Anxiety Disorder". This was diagnosed not by a psychiatrist, but by agreement between two cardiologists and myself. I have my reasons for now why I don't want to meet a psychiatrist, as those I know who have met them are always prescribed drugs (long-term) and I for one don't want to be dependant.
My AD comes once every three months or so in the past one year (was slower previous years) and when it comes, I'll be suffering from heightened and elevated heart rate, many panic attacks (sometimes three times a day) for at least 7-15 days depending on how long my episode takes. If you want to know how a panic attack feels like, I wrote an FB post earlier describing it.... here.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10155420531691149

After facing 7-15 days of constant Panic Attacks, the body will usually be quite weak and exhausted for the next two weeks after, and thus disrupt my ability to train properly for my runs.
Why I'm writing what I'm writing today is because, I belong to an online community "Malaysia Anxiety Disorder Community" and have seen TOO MANY sufferers having to stop their favourite and passionate sports because they fear the anxiety gets the best of them during these activity. Because the activity involves sweating and elevated heart rate, it is scary. Panic attack makes you live and experience your greatest fear, and for most, it's a heart attack situation.  

TRAINING FOR KL MARATHON

I train for KL Marathon for 10 weeks, but already upped the weekly mileage 4 weeks prior to that.

• Week -6 = 30km (Start of Dec AD episode)
• Week -5 = 10km (Ongoing AD episode)
• Week -4 = 43km (Recovered but weak)
• Week -3 = 44km (Feel better)
• Week -2 = 49km
• Week -1 = 56km (Twincity Marathon)
• Week 0 = 29km
• Week 1 = 57km
• Week 2 = 61km
• Week 3 = 74km
• Week 4 = 55km
• Week 5 = 65km
• Week 6 = 77km
• Week 7 = 57km (Start of March AD episode)
• Week 8 = 44km (Ongoing AD episode, lots of walking)
• Week 9 = ZERO km (Failure to Recover)
• Week 10 = 5km + KL Marathon

THE DRUG CALLED LEXAPRO

During the December episode, my doctor gave me an option to go on a calming drug called Lexapro throughout the duration of my episode. Due to it being an option, I didn't take it and went through my episode like a man. Haha...

At the end of Week 7 of training, when I was doing my treadmill suddenly my head feels funny. Like a migraine about to come but didn't throughout the run. Was supposed to do 7km but I stopped at 2.4km. Then I realised my heart rate refused to go down. From 145bpm after the run, it goes to 110bpm during sitting, but as long as I stand or walk, I feel woozy and it elevates around 122bpm - 136bpm. I knew the next episode is coming.

The next few days are pure torture with panic attacks two to three times a day. I try to find time to train in between the attacks, which is not good as heart rate remains elevated. I went to see my cardiologist again, and for the 3rd time in three months another EKG (he just layan so that I feel better) and several other check-ups. As usual, all clear. He then asked me what's coming up, I said I have a marathon in 3 weeks.

This time, he asked me to start the Lexapro. A calming drug, with many many many side effects that I may have. I'm to take it at 10pm nightly. Side effects that have been reported includes drowsiness, dizziness; sleep problems (insomnia);

mild nausea, gas, heartburn, upset stomach, constipation;

weight changes; decreased sex drive, impotence, or difficulty having an orgasm; or dry mouth, yawning, ringing in your ears.

The first night was ok, but second to fifth night I wake up without fail at 1am, 3:30am and 5am with panic attacks. Throughout most morning, I feel vomit-ty and dizzy, only to be ok in the noon till evening and start again late evening. I updated the doc on my condition and he said the dizziness will subside. I read about other people's experiences, some improved within 3 days, while others takes weeks to adapt. But I listened to my doc.

To cut the story short, I continued Lexapro with no more panic attacks (perhaps episode ended), but doctor said to take it all the way till marathon day, so I followed. However, the dizziness never went away, which is why my two weeks before marathon I couldn't even train. Two days before the marathon I ran 5km with elevated heart rate and funny feeling in my head. Doc told me to eat the meds earlier before marathon day, and I took it at 8pm.

THE KL MARATHON

I started in Pen 5, alongside good running buddies Rezduan Bakar, Reza Akmal, Azariah Hapadz, and captain Hakim Raj. Heart rate looks ok. The gun fires, we walked to the start arch and started running.

Within less than 200m, I felt faint, dizzy, and then my vision blacked out. I totally stopped running and went to the left side and squatted. Heart rate soared to 153bpm (85% MHR) from 110bpm. I wanted to just walk back and DNF. I remembered, when we train, we must stop if we feel faint or dizzy. I stayed put for a while and contemplated my next decision. I tried to run again, but everytime I float (running where both legs don't touch the ground), I start getting blacked out again.

Seeing that the heart rate regulated down to 120bpm when I'm just standing, I decided to just walk and see what happens. I have to accept, the Lexapro side-effect is causing this. So I walked, at 82%-85% of my maximum heart rate which I feel so ridiculous. It doesn't come down. So I ended up walking for an entire 8km before I started seeing the MHR going down below 75%. I believe then the body has flushed out some of yesterday's drugs.

Now I can finally run, and run I did. Despite the sudden soar of HR again but this time no dizziness. I decided to maintain a walk-run, just to get the marathon done. My 5hr 20min target I throw out the window already by now. I ran till the heart rate reaches 89%, then walk till 86% and repeat. Later stages I let it go to 92% and then walk till 86% and repeat.

At km40, the dizziness came again full swing. I went to the side of the road, leaned against the fence. Rested for about 3-5 mins, and then decided to just walk it home. Don't want to DNF just 2km from finish. Alhamdulillah, despite the constant walking, I finished at a better time than my Twincity Marathon. Completed at 5hr:59m:37s.

After the finish line and collecting my finishers, I sat at the side of the road and then lied down. I left after half an hours rest.

THE AFTERMATH

I stopped taking Lexapro as doc asked only to take till Saturday. My next challenge is that "withdrawal syndrome" of stopping the drug. Luckily, no effect.

IN FACT, I slept like a baby last three days. Last night I didn't wake up in the middle of the night at all.

MOVING FORWARD

I have decided to just mentally and spiritually solve my quarterly episodes, just live through it, and recover. It seems that the drug caused more harm than good on me. There's always that "What-if". What if I didn't start the Lexapro, I might have been weaker, but perhaps do a much better timing. Lesson learned. My mind is stronger right now than needing to rely on any drugs.

ABOUT ANXIETY DISORDER / PANIC DISORDER

There is always a root cause for ADPD, usually for those who don't know, a psychiatrist will assist to find it and assist us to solve it. On my case, this disorder started ever since I had the accident in 2011 where I smashed my head at two different areas of the windscreen, even seat-belted and air-bag deployed. At about 90kmh to a suddenly stop, it affected my body quite badly. I couldn't walk for two weeks, and can't get up from a squat for 4 years.

Now the docs are saying that I have a "hormonal secretion" in my head that reaches its peak every few months that causes the episodes. It is not a Generalized AD where sufferers go through it 24/7.

I do hope sufferers reading this will attempt to go back to their hobbies and sports, but restart slow. Accept the panic attack when it comes. It will come, we have no choice but to go through it, and then recover and come back to the sport. We really cannot, and must not lose to this mental challenge.